The Sun & Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur

Draughn High School

****WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT****

40 do you still touch yourself to thoughts of me do you still imagine my naked naked tiny tiny body pressed into yours do you still imagine the curve of my spine and how you wanted to rip it out of me cause the way it dipped into my perfectly rounded bottom drove you crazy baby sugar baby sweet baby ever since we left how many times did you pretend it was my hand stroking you how many times did you search for me in your fantasies and end up crying instead of coming don't you lie to me 

58 why did you leave a door Hanging open between my legs were you lazy did you forget or did you purposely leave me unfinished -conversations with god 

62  I was a hundred and ten pounds of fresh meat you skinned and gutted with your fingers like you were scraping the inside of a cantaloupe clean as I screamed for my mother you nailed my wrists to the ground turned my breasts into bruised fruit 

63 every night my bedroom becomes a psych ward where panic attacks turn men into doctors to keep me calm every lover who touches me- feels like you their fingers- you mouths- you until they're not the ones on top of me anymore- it's you and I am so tired of doing things your way -it isn't working 

68 at home that night I filled the bathtub with scorching water tossed in spearmint from the garden two tablespoons of almond oil some milk some honey a pinch of salt rose petals from the neighbor's lawn I soaked myself in the mixture desperate to wash the dirty off the first hour I picked pine needles from my hair counted them one two three lined them up on their backs the second hour I wept 

72 While I undress my lower half I slide my pants and underwear off lie down on the spa bed and wait when she returns she positions my legs like an open butterfly soles of feet together knees pointing in opposite directions first the disinfectant wipe then the cold jelly how is school and what are you studying she asks turns the laser on places the head of the machine on my pubic bone and just like that it begins the hair follicles around my clitoris begin burning with each zap I wince shivering with pain 

86 I must not dress with my breasts hanging said the boys will get hungry if they see fruit says I should sit with my legs closed like a woman oughta or the men will get angry and fight 

88 I will not subject myself to their ideology cause slut shaming is rape culture virgin praising is rape culture 

124 3. go with him when he enters your body and goes to that place sex is not dirty 

147 how do I welcome in kindness when I have only practiced spreading my legs for the terrifying what am I to do with you if my idea of love is violence but you are sweet if your concept of passion is eye contact but mine is rage how can I call this intimacy if I crave sharp edges but your edges aren't even edges they are soft landings 

188 when the first woman spread her legs to let the first man in what did he see when she led him down the hallway toward the sacred room what sat waiting what shook him so deeply that all confidence shattered from then on the first ma watched the first woman every night and day built a cage to keep her in so she could sin no more he set fire to her books called her witch and shouted whore until the evening came when his tired eyes betrayed him the first woman noticed it as he unwillingly fell asleep the quiet humming the drumming a knocking between her legs a doorbell a voice a pulse asking her to open up off her hand went running down the hall toward the sacred room she found god the magician's wand the snake's tongue sitting inside her smiling -when the first woman drew magic with her fingers

197 vagina- so much darker than the rest of you cause it is trying to hide a gold mine